DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
