when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
