the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
