Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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