dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
