Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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