How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I am midnight drunk by noon
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize