U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
