So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
