Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
