i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize