Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
