was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
