If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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