Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
