His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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