Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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