I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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