Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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