There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
