I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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