did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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