Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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