how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
