"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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