I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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