i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize