I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
