My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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