Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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