went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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