24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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