I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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