He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
