I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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