We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
