I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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