I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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