I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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