I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
