Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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