Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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