Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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