my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
