4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
