whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
and you fell through a lawn chair
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
