is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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