Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize