sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
