I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i would punch a child for taco bell
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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