now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
