I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
