My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
