I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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