mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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