Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
