i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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