at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
