did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
