dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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