And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
